Reflecting On This Summer

I've not kept it a secret on this space that this summer has been pretty crazy and life-changing. It's something that I have consistently mentioned in my month in film posts, but while I've mentioned it a lot its not a topic I've dove too much into. That is mainly because when I was writing all of those posts I was in the thick of it. In other words, I didn't feel like I was fully on the other side of things to be able to process them fully in a post and truly be able to reflect on all the changes. I definitely anticipated this summer being a hefty one back in spring, when I wrote a post all about my thoughts on graduating from college. Although, I did not acknowledge the intense nervousness I had been feeling about the prospect of leaving school, which has been my comfort zone for the vast majority of my life.

I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge the fact that this summer got off to a rocky start. Graduation itself was one of the most stressful days not only because of all the intense emotions of the ceremony itself, but because of the fact that the day is all about the graduate, and for someone who does not like being the center of attention that can be very stressful. Not to mention the fact that most of my family was in town for the event (whom I love and appreciate very much), it was easily the hottest day of the year at that point, and I was in the process of packing up my little studio apartment at school and moving in the midst of it all. And just like that I was thrust back into city life, constantly applying for jobs, going to interviews, all while trying to catch up with friends who had moved back, and maintain my relationship. Needless to say it was a bit overwhelming. 

In the midst of applying to jobs and the all-too-often rejection email, I felt myself massively in crisis about what I wanted to do with my career and in what direction I was heading. It was incredibly disheartening and confusing, especially for a person who has always had a plan and a clear sense of herself. However, the constant during this entire summer, in terms of my professional interests has been this blog, creating content, and photographing what inspires me. I tried my hardest to at least post once a week (which I failed at the past two weeks), which felt like the most constant motivation I've had in a long time. After applying to job after job, it became clear to me that I needed to take a break, reset, and really think about what I want my career to look like or even be without the distraction of being in the cycle of job applications, interviews, and rejection emails. I applied for a retail job as a source of income, which I ended up loving, submitted an application for a part time internship writing for a San Francisco-based magazine, got both jobs and finally felt my life fall into place. While I never saw myself liking retail (I have worked in retail for a temporary summer job during college and liked it but always found it a tad difficult since I am naturally introverted), I have absolutely loved it. 

While it sounds über cheesy I think if anything I've learned this summer that I just need to give myself time. I can't and don't need to have everything figured out at once, and rushing to find your place in the world is a very temporary, and can be an ultimately unfulfilling solution. I still don't know where I'll be in ten or even five years but I'm more okay with that than I've ever been before. Rather than the uncertainty making me feel anxious, it makes me feel excited. Luckily I have two jobs that I love and am 100% committed too and family and friends that are completely supportive of wherever I end up career-wise. Every summer during my college years felt like the months where everything changed and this summer felt no different. Last summer I was in one of the worst places I've been with my personal life and this summer I went through an equally stressful period in my professional life. However, I've come out the other end (from both summers) with a better understanding of myself and what I want as I continue the albeit rough transition into adulthood.